August 2, 2016

Miriam Grace

Last week, our family received an answer to prayer. Not the answer we had hoped for.  My pregnancy had some complications. Our baby... Miriam Grace... is in Heaven now...she was so wanted and loved already. Our hearts are broken.

I don't usually understand God's plan. Many times I don't like His way of doing things... I would like to write the story differently. Yet in the end I know He's God...I'm not. I know He's good... even when it doesn't feel like it. And I know He loves me and hurts with me.

This song played in my mind for days before that dreadful morning.  And when the time came those four words were once again all that could be said. Maybe it will help the heart of someone else today too.

I was ask by someone "why the miscarriage was an answered prayer."

Some of you may have the same question. I don't believe God is a genie in a bottle. I don't believe prayer means - I give him a list of what I want and demand he deliver. I don't believe faith means - if I just believe enough it will happen. Faith does mean I have to believe...believe that God is who he says he is...that he is good... and trust him with everything...even those things that break my ...heart. I believe I can and should pour out my heart and ask him for what I want but in the end the decision is his. 

Having our baby die was not what I wanted. My prayer was that everything would be fine and in a few months I would hold a healthy baby. I pleaded that if there was anyway for that to be... God would allow it... but if that was not His will... He would help me walk through it. That He would allow me to give this baby as much dignity as possible. That I would be able to deliver at home. That he would let her know how wanted and loved she was and how much we will miss her. That if the baby was gone I would not have to wait 2 more weeks to find that out. That he would give us peace and comfort. Each step he carried me through. He has been merciful and kind. So to me that is an answer to prayer. Not the yes I was hoping for...and that will take much time to grieve. But he never left me alone...He held me and now he's holding our baby.

Until then...

July 27, 2016