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 Written 2/18/21

February - I would be delighted if this month never existed. In reality it’s the shortest of the year, but each day can feel tormenting to walk through...this week in particular.   

2/18/10 was the day we found out those 2 little ones we planned to adopt would never be ours. 

The room we had made in our hearts would remain empty. 

The crib empty. 

The clothes newly washed and hanging were packed back into tubs. Closet and drawers empty.

Dreams lost. 

Hearts shattered.


2/16/17 was Miriam’s due date.

Instead of snuggling and breathing in a fresh babe our perfect girl lay cradled in dirt. 

She would have been 4 this year...4. 

It’s the first year Kai didn’t remember...didn’t ask to make her birthday cupcakes or take her flowers. 

I didn’t remind him. 

His little heart needs to heal and move on. 

As her mom, I’ll never forget. Even though I move forward a part of my heart was lost, and I will never be the same.


2/18/06 I don’t have words for this day... 

I wrote in my journal “My heart has been broken many times before...but now it’s been crushed into dust. Nothing remains to pick up...only God can heal these wounds."    

BUT on my darkest day Jesus was with me. I learned valuable lessons that are etched upon my heart. I learned what I truly believe. I learned who God really is. I began learning how to trust Him with everything and everyone. I’m still learning. Slowly. This day stole so much from me, but God is redeeming piece by piece, making me into someone new. I won’t forget the lessons in the healing.  


Life breaks our hearts in many ways but there are certain moments when you are changed forever. February holds most of those days for me. I find it hard to breath this month. I have to make myself get up and purposely look for blessings and joy. As I do, joy always comes to carry me through.

~Rolling fires that warm you to the bone

~Friends that sit, and listen, and speak Miriam’s name 

~Cold temps didn’t make Opal lamb early

~Farm dogs that smother for attention   

~Quiet snow landing on eyelashes

~Tears that need to fall  

~My daughter-in-laws birthday tomorrow - so thankful she was born

~Those little arms that wrap my neck and pull my hair

~Her gentle spirit - from the moment God gave her she has been my angel

~TRUTH that is gentle, and loving, and louder than the enemies lie

~God encounters on dirt roads at 1a.m.

~Cracked glass orb that lets the light shine through

~His faithfulness to me when I am so unfaithful

~Dust that only God can resurrect and rescue

   


Until then... 

Jessie  



  

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