Rise and Swine

Buying this farm has been an adventure...a long awaited dream come true...we've been given our hearts desire...and I don't take it for granted. Everyday I wake thankful for what God has given us, but it requires a ton of work and most nights I fall in a heap of exhaustion from it all. In our 25 years of marriage we've called four places home. When we got married we lived in my grandparents basement for exactly five months. Dreaming of a place of our own, I brought my man to a 1890's farmhouse. It had charm galore. A beautiful front porch with columns, moldings, attic rooms, a winding staircase to the second floor, claw foot tub, root cellar, floor to ceiling windows, and of course a horse stable. I was in love! It was perfect. Except - it was trashed! My man took 2 steps up that winding staircase and his foot went right through. That claw foot tub was about to crash through the kitchen ceiling. The electrical was in conduit on the outside of the walls. "Why ar...

I hear her dancing in the wind...beckoning me to come outside...feel the rain upon my face...but do I dare? I've watched from the pane as she stood ablaze in autumns glory - slowly letting go of each brilliant hue. Watched while her limbs bent low through the long winter - burdened by the very thing that sustained. Watched while pops of green unfurled - life once again. I've surveyed from the window, but to go and meet her? The soil that she feeds upon cradles my child and I can't bring myself to go there. It's been a year since my baby opened her eyes and looked into the face of Jesus...while I held her tiny frame here on earth. Miriam Grace. She has a name. My name. The name I was given while in Israel - what my grandparents and family always called me. Miriam: Bitter, Sea of sorrow, Longed for or wished for child. Grace: God's favor. She was God's favor to me. Losing her has been bitter. My heart has been filled with sorrow and longing but...

When your baby is curled under the barren tree and your soul resembles that tree more than you would like to admit...too many needing...wanting...there's nothing left to give...It becomes easy to drown in the darkness. When it's Christmas Eve and the house is a mess, there's still shopping left to do, Christmas dinner to prepare, and Gingerbread Men to bake with that chubby little boy who's growing too fast. It's easy to buzz right through the days - through Christmas - and miss everything. But when I slow down I hear it: His love and blessings for me Bedtime tickles The way she pulls me close and smothers my face with tiny kisses Fairies on pj's... and all the small ways He answered my prayers and brought her close this season Glass birds Hugs from that tall one Knowing he is right behind me...always The clanging of dishes late in the night - even though he worked all day he's doing the dishes for me at midnight Truck rides and coffee runs...ho...

Fresh powder, leaks quiet from the heavens, dressing the barren branches white. Moon's light spills across snowflakes...each one unique. Pure. Perfect. Beautiful. But soon humanity will make its mark and all that will be left is a muddied mess to gaze upon. In a matter of days the hustle and bustle of the kitchen will commence. Each soul within these walls-unique; each one bringing to the table their own scrumptious creations, gifts, brokenness. Ironstone will line the planks while hungry men in collar shirts jump into chairs and wide-eyed little ones wait for pie. We'll gobble Jell-o with cheese, argue about the correct way to smother potatoes with gravy. Votes will be cast for the annual pie contest. Laughter will ring as bellies and hearts fill. At the close of the day we may play a game of Monopoly that will last until the wee hours. But the best part will be when each one sits in the middle of the circle and words of love, grace, and life ar...

Overcast. The air hangs crisp. Leaves dance beyond the pane - still summer green yet they play peek-a-boo with a hint of caramel and crimson. Autumn is upon us ushering in plump pumpkins, spiced cider, scarves, boots, woolen blankets and those brilliantly colored leaves that will soon crunch under foot. It's my favorite time of year but in my corner of the world it doesn't last long. Before I blink, the trees will stretch forth their barren limbs as white blankets the earth, and I will hibernate as much as possible. Enjoying the peaceful white from my comfortably heated home - coffee in hand. Knowing this, I always do some fall cleaning. Just like spring cleaning opens it all to new and fresh I prepare for the confinement of the dreary months ahead. I wash the windows knowing they will soon be dirty again but I want to enjoy the glistening of a winter wonderland for as long as I can. Funny how distorted our view becomes when we're looking through layers of grime. It...

Last week, our family received an answer to prayer. Not the answer we had hoped for.  My pregnancy had some complications. Our baby... Miriam Grace... is in Heaven now...she was so wanted and loved already. Our hearts are broken. I don't usually understand God's plan. Many times I don't like His way of doing things... I would like to write the story differently. Yet in the end I know He's God...I'm not. I know He's good... even when it doesn't feel like it. And I know He loves me and hurts with me. This song played in my mind for days before that dreadful morning.  And when the time came those four words were once again all that could be said. Maybe it will help the heart of someone else today too. I was ask by someone "why the miscarriage was an answered prayer." Some of you may have the same question. I don't believe God is a genie in a bottle. I don't believe prayer means - I give him a list of what I want and demand h...

She strolled beneath the cherry blossoms. Marveled at their beauty and remembered... On a cool April eve, her arm stretched slow across the table to pull plastic off brownies.  When the words poured out "I like your tattoo.  Does it have a special meaning?"  That familiar lump formed in her throat. "Yes, it does...it's a long story...maybe I'll tell you about it someday." Someday. If she got up enough nerve to pull the plastic off herself. It was a cool April morn, ten years before, that marked the reason for the ink upon her wrist. A beautiful spring day filled with life and promise but she didn't...couldn't... see it.  She let the words escape that morning "I don't want to live...not even for five more minutes." Her heart had been broken countless times before but each time she would bend down...pick up the shattered pieces and put it back together.  It never was the same of course.  Pieces missing here and there but overal...

He told her his plan and she laughed wild. He said he could do it with such conviction. He said he had been praying and knew this was the answer God had given him. "Please, just trust me." Who can argue with that, even if fear begins to strangle. She believed in him. So they took the little they had...all they had... and bought two fifty-three foot trailers full of insulation. That was the beginning... Years before they had made a deal. Not one she liked but the deal was done. They would have one more child. Try for a girl. That was it. They got a girl. Audrey. She cradled her close... her answer to prayer and he ran fast to make sure no more little ones ran about. As time scrolled on she knew it was a mistake. She prayed hard for years that God would change his heart. Finally, He did. Once that man became a Christian he knew it was a mistake too. So they looked into a reversal but the cost - astronomical. Soon adoption fell into their laps. Excited. They began to pre...

It was my Thirtieth birthday and my mom wanted to take me out for a night on the town.  After hours of shoe shopping we had worked up some hearty appetites.  So, with bags in hand we made our way to our favorite little Mexican restaurant.  We shared those belly laughs while enjoying every bite. Until...my mom poked at her tostada.  Out from under a ribbon of lettuce a nasty umber colored critter scurried frantically across the table straight towards me!  Immediately my mom began to gag and I shrieked shoving my chair back as if I were being attacked by the creature.  Stunned.  We both watched in horror as our server, void of any emotion, picked up my ice tea and smashed the varmint with the bottom of the glass.  Quietly we sat for a moment until the reality of what just happened washed over us.  Looking up I took one glance at our servers stoic face and erupted with laughter.  Seriously.  At that point what else is there to do....

He told her to hold out her hand. He said Happy Birthday, and placed it within her palm. There it sat. Her grandmother's wedding ring. She thought it had been lost forever...  When her grandmother had died her belongings were divided among the family.  And when the one who got the ring came over for a visit, she noticed it was missing from their finger.  Inquiring where it was, they let her know it had been pawned to pay the electric bill.  " It's really not worth that much."  They declared.  This wasn't something new.  They had done things like this many times before.  As the words poured out, her heart sank.  Disbelief.  That was all she felt.  Her grandpa had designed that ring.  It represented over fifty years of marriage. Yet, it was simply discarded to pay a bill less than a hundred dollars.  There were so many other things that could have been sold...but they chose the ring.  It didn't have value to them....

When it's the 10th anniversary of the worst day of your life.  The day that stole the breath right out of you...left you bleeding and questioning everything.  BUT you wake and it's NOT the first thought.  In fact, the memories don't visit for hours...It's a good day.  Filled with God's gifts! Blue skies and snow capped mountains Warm rays of sunshine poured upon my face His kiss goodbye Smoked Butterscotch Lattes Tumbleweeds prancing across country roads with as much grace as I usually display The dog didn't puke in the car today...we're making progress His excitement when the train blew its whistle Her beaming smile as she flew out the front door from dance Walking through the door to find that tall one came home early Tickling her chunky rolls and hearing her laugh and coo Her smiles as she "talks" to her daddy Watching her sleep Cornbread smothered in butter and honey made by this one Freckled face boy gro...

And on the 24th year of cupids and candy and hearts she flings the window wide.  She needs a bit of fresh. It's been winter far too long but spring...new life... is panting.  Her heart awaits it and it has nothing to do with the weather. The breeze flows through that open pane like the breath of life she needs.  She stands by the bed folding his laundry and the chimes begin their dance.  A smile spreads her face...their story of the wind-chime.  On the darkest of days... he pulled her close and he whispered it right there in the dark... he had something for her.  He told her every time  it danced to remember he loved her.  He hung it from the eve outside their bedroom window where it stays year round and during the storms it dances the hardest... and never stops.  All those years later she still remembers those words.  At times, clings to those words. She closes her eyes and feels the wind graze across the nape of her neck....

It had been a rough few weeks.  As the insults kept coming from that one whose job was to nurture.  They never did.  Nurture that is.  They're not capable of that kind of love.  She knows this.  Accepted this long ago.  Still - it leaves her wounded.  Despite the pain, she walks another day the best she knows how.  Trying to be to her children what she never got herself.  Trying to keep it all in balance. But the scales of her heart tip when he grumbles impatient about laundry and with her own impatience she snaps back.  What she wanted...needed...was to hear she was good enough.  That she mattered to someone.  That she wasn't a mistake.  She didn't want to hear one more way she just didn't quiet measure up. His searing words were like salt in the wound and she barked loud like a scared wounded dog.  She was looking in the wrong place.  Only God could fill that emptiness but foolishly she pressed...

Cross-legged I sit, my mind filled with memories of nineteen years gone by.  Who would have guessed the first time his soft, clammy hand met mine, that it would be the hand I would want to hold forever.  I can still see him..the first time we met...the first date...the terrified boy staring at me as I walked down the  aisle of commitment.  Children growing up alongside one another...trying to find our way...while raising children.  We had no idea what we were doing but together we were determined.  Life swept in with a vengeance.  Pressures mounted.  Emotions twisted into a whirlwind as tumultuous tongues whipped about, leaving us wounded and bloody.  Doubts and fears overshadowed truth.  I wondered often if we would make it.  I still hear the viperous hissing of those that declared we wouldn't.  God had a different plan.  At times I've questioned His plan - His goodness.  Maybe I married the wrong man?...