Rise and Swine

He jumps from the wagon full of wonder and excitement. This is what he's come for. Tiny sneakers sink - slip in mud and my chunky toddler topples to the wet earth. He jumps up quick. His denim now a few shades darker. But I can see the eagerness burning through those cornflower blues. Hundreds line the hem of the field but they're not what he's seeking. Up a steep slippery slope he scales. I'm trailing behind thinking I should have guzzled another cup of coffee. His eyes searching the expansive field until finally he finds it. An orange sphere with a thin, long, rough handle. The call is out. Time to head back. Quickly! We trudge our way through the never ending rows of orange but his legs only go so fast. With two bursting bags in hand, I'm unable to carry him and of course he insists on carrying his treasure which makes us all that much slower. They're yelling. Waiting just for us. We're close when he trips into the sticker vines. Wiry thorns impaling...

I scratched it out right there upon the slate - words to live by.  But somewhere between then and nightfall I had failed every word that was written. When your wound a bit tight, have a mess of kids, and plenty of furry creatures...it can be a recipe for disaster even on a good day. BUT... When the toilet is clogged...again. The coffee maker is broken. She's crying over math lessons. They're bickering over whose turn it is to sweep the floor. Kai is screaming as he watches the dog eat his favorite car. That sweet little bundle of ours is spewing from every open cavity. Dishes and laundry are piled high. Chickens have grazed the garden. The dog's footprints dust the hardwoods...10 seconds after I've scrubbed them. Oh, yeah, dinner.  Kinda forgot about that one - soup anyone? By evening I'm spent. Of course, this means nothing to the toddler who has a complete and utter meltdown as I'm trying to take off his clothes and put on his pajamas.  He w...

He told her his plan and she laughed wild. He said he could do it with such conviction. He said he had been praying and knew this was the answer God had given him. "Please, just trust me." Who can argue with that, even if fear begins to strangle. She believed in him. So they took the little they had...all they had... and bought two fifty-three foot trailers full of insulation. That was the beginning... Years before they had made a deal. Not one she liked but the deal was done. They would have one more child. Try for a girl. That was it. They got a girl. Audrey. She cradled her close... her answer to prayer and he ran fast to make sure no more little ones ran about. As time scrolled on she knew it was a mistake. She prayed hard for years that God would change his heart. Finally, He did. Once that man became a Christian he knew it was a mistake too. So they looked into a reversal but the cost - astronomical. Soon adoption fell into their laps. Excited. They began to pre...

It was my Thirtieth birthday and my mom wanted to take me out for a night on the town.  After hours of shoe shopping we had worked up some hearty appetites.  So, with bags in hand we made our way to our favorite little Mexican restaurant.  We shared those belly laughs while enjoying every bite. Until...my mom poked at her tostada.  Out from under a ribbon of lettuce a nasty umber colored critter scurried frantically across the table straight towards me!  Immediately my mom began to gag and I shrieked shoving my chair back as if I were being attacked by the creature.  Stunned.  We both watched in horror as our server, void of any emotion, picked up my ice tea and smashed the varmint with the bottom of the glass.  Quietly we sat for a moment until the reality of what just happened washed over us.  Looking up I took one glance at our servers stoic face and erupted with laughter.  Seriously.  At that point what else is there to do....

When it's the 10th anniversary of the worst day of your life.  The day that stole the breath right out of you...left you bleeding and questioning everything.  BUT you wake and it's NOT the first thought.  In fact, the memories don't visit for hours...It's a good day.  Filled with God's gifts! Blue skies and snow capped mountains Warm rays of sunshine poured upon my face His kiss goodbye Smoked Butterscotch Lattes Tumbleweeds prancing across country roads with as much grace as I usually display The dog didn't puke in the car today...we're making progress His excitement when the train blew its whistle Her beaming smile as she flew out the front door from dance Walking through the door to find that tall one came home early Tickling her chunky rolls and hearing her laugh and coo Her smiles as she "talks" to her daddy Watching her sleep Cornbread smothered in butter and honey made by this one Freckled face boy gro...

I woke to her stirring.  It was unusual as she typically sleeps through the night.  Slowly I reached into her cradle but before I picked her up she began to scream.  Hysterical.  I knew what she wanted - she was hungry.  With fists clinched tight she continued to scream until she drew close and began to suck her milk.  As time passed she loosened her death grip until finally her palms fell wide upon my pillow.  Content...full...at peace...she fell asleep once more. Lying next to her I swept those fine threads of crimson...stroked that chubby cheek...kissed those wee fingers and laid her back within the confines of her cradle. I shook my head. She's like her mama in more ways than one. At times I too hold a death grip of control.  Especially if I'm hungry.  Hungry for love.  Time.  Security.  Pinterest perfection seeps in and I can make everyone living within these walls a bit crazy.  It's true....

It had been a rough few weeks.  As the insults kept coming from that one whose job was to nurture.  They never did.  Nurture that is.  They're not capable of that kind of love.  She knows this.  Accepted this long ago.  Still - it leaves her wounded.  Despite the pain, she walks another day the best she knows how.  Trying to be to her children what she never got herself.  Trying to keep it all in balance. But the scales of her heart tip when he grumbles impatient about laundry and with her own impatience she snaps back.  What she wanted...needed...was to hear she was good enough.  That she mattered to someone.  That she wasn't a mistake.  She didn't want to hear one more way she just didn't quiet measure up. His searing words were like salt in the wound and she barked loud like a scared wounded dog.  She was looking in the wrong place.  Only God could fill that emptiness but foolishly she pressed...

We pile in the beast and journey across town.  He's dressed in his Sunday best with hair that wouldn't move in the strongest of storms.  It's the first recital of his fourteen years.  He hasn't been playing all that long and the nerves have hit just a bit. Families crowd into seats.  Students of all ages sit a bit green waiting for their moment. Everyone turns as her wedged shoes clunk down the middle isle.  Taking her place she lays her hands to the ivory and begins to fluently roll out the notes.  Suddenly, fear begins to rise.  Her cheeks flush and her hands begin to shake.  The lack of focus fumbles her appendages onto the wrong keys.  Flustered she tries to find her way back.  Still visibly shaking she takes a breath and resumes her way to the melody once again. He's next - that handsome red-head of ours.  Surprisingly composed, he takes his place and with bow in hand tickles the strings in time to the piano.  Still ...

I've stretched my arms to receive that freshly born babe, 6 times over now.  One may think it would become routine, but the miracle of new life always overwhelms.  Even with 6 - each one is your favorite.  Each one is what makes everyday worth waking.  Each one can... and probably will... shred your heart.  Only God knows how a mothers' heart can rejoice as one takes their first breath...while at the same moment...lament over the one who's stumbling through the darkness. Weeks ago our bouncy baby arrived.  As I gazed into those deep blues I remembered staring into the eyes of my first.  He's 19 now, but he's still my baby.  I remember the dreams I had of me being the perfect mother.  Him...them...being the perfect children.  Then - then I failed more times than I can count.  I've learned there are no perfect mothers...least of all me....

For some Mother's Day is a day of celebration. For others it brings great sorrow.  There are those who have begged God for a child yet their arms remain empty.  Those who have had a life swell within...only for it to be ripped away too early.  Those who have hope... awaiting anxiously...only to suffer through a failed adoption.  My heart aches for you...some of these I've experienced myself.  There are those who are blessed with children either through the seed of their womb or through the gift of another...yet they feel like a failure more often than they feel like anything else.  I understand.  I've been there many times myself. There are those who starve for a mothers' embrace and tender love. It can be a hard day.  Especially if we lose perspective. So, where ever you find yourself this Mother's Day.  I want to challenge you. I hope to encourage you. To the brokenhearted who ...

 Hey y'all!  This post is soooo late but I had a bit of trouble the last week of September.  I kinda.. almost.. passed out in the freezer section at the store.  My husband and kids insisted I go to the doctor the following day and sure enough, I was in trouble.  My blood pressure decided to go crazy on me.  I'm doing better now.  The EKG was normal, I can see, no more nose bleeds and my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode.   Thank you to all those who have been praying!  I'm on medication now and it's helping...but my pressure is still really high.  I'm still very dizzy and feeling out there so driving and standing are difficult sometimes. However, this weekend I'm supposed to be speaking at a youth conference in Colorado Springs.  I LOVE speaking to youth because they're usually more honest than adults and we can just get down to business.  I've been really excited about it for the last month...then all this happen...

 How are all of you?  We've been canning and canning and more canning at the Lutz farm but in just a few days we should be done.  =) Woohoooo!  I can't wait to just sit back, relax and enjoy this fall season...it's my favorite time of year you know.  Even with all the busyness that surrounds we've been enjoying life though.  My most treasured gift this week, was celebrating my baby girl's birthday!  I can't believe she's already 7!  Time slips by so quickly...doesn't it?  A moment is just a moment...then it's gone forever.  I know we're entering in upon the holiday season and very soon life will be full of craziness.  I just want to encourage you - don't forget to slow down, take time to breathe, remember what...or who... is REALLY important.  Enjoy life...you only get one chance. 3 Gifts Ugly - Beautiful  Fighting with my husband Being wrong Words that sting A Gift Fixed, Folded, Freckled Restored rel...

Now THAT'S a cute pair of shoes!!! It was a day of celebration and I couldn't wait to get to the party!  I slipped on a pair of my favorite shoes, took one final glance in the mirror, hopped in the car and headed on out.  Stepping upon the pavement, I took one leap and my shoe broke!  Horrified I looked down and quickly realized I was now 4 inches closer to the ground.  Now, you have to understand - I'm a few inches too tall to be cute and petite and many inches from being anything else.  I'm...well...short.  I know, I know, I can't really change my package but it bugs me.  Really...it does.  So, I came up with a solution - cute heels.  It's the best of both worlds.  I get to rock a pair of fabulous shoes AND appear taller. =) Back to my story, quite rattled by this wardrobe malfunction I wanted to run home.  Silly I know. After taking a few minutes to compose myself... I made the choice to walk into the room with ...

Hey everyone!  I hope y'all had a wonderful week.  It's been busy 'round here.  Canning season has begun, and right now I'm drowning in a sea of peaches!  I'm thankful for all the yummy food... but I'll be pleased when it's done and I can sit back and enjoy the changing seasons.  How about you...have you started any canning? Well, last week I wrote a post about Ann's joy dare for September if you haven't read it yet you can find it here http://riseandswine-withjessie.blogspot.com/2012/09/ugly-into-beauty.html   I knew the minute I decided to take the challenge I was asking for trouble.  Sure enough, anything that could go wrong did.  However, each time I was frustrated or discouraged I would remember the gifts I wrote down and it put a smile on my face.  If you've decided to do this challenge with me I hope you've been blessed as well.  AND - if you are keeping a journal of your gifts please share them...it would encourage so many....

For years I've kept a gratitude journal.  Looking back upon the inked words I know they have been the light my heart needed on some very dark days.  Keeping perspective is hard when all of life comes crashing down but if we stop for just a moment...think for just a moment...we see we've been blessed with so much. Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts has challenged each of us to give thanks.  Asking us to remember our blessings even in the midst of the storm.  Sounds easy enough.  Right?  Yet it's not.  To do this we must make a choice.  I must make a choice.  It must be done with intentionality.  I must pursue the search, actively seek beyond the ugliness of this world to the beauty God showers upon me each and every day. Over time, a truly grateful heart is formed.  Thankfulness becomes a habit and the lens I view the world through becomes brighter, happier, content.  If you want your children to love well...be happy...

The house was silent, as the souls that lie therein remained in peaceful slumber.  Curling into the deep seat of the wooden rocker I pulled the tattered quilt around my frame, as if it were a mother's embrace.  Slowly, the tears began to fall.  My heart...a mother's heart... had been ripped wide.  Nothing remained but emptiness.  As much as I attempted to bury the pain...deny it's existence...I could not. Upon the wooden boards the steady creaking of the rocker hums a lullaby.  I sink deep into the memories as I unfold the rows laid across my lap.  Rows of stitching.  Uneven.  Yet each thread intentional, woven with love.  I take another look.  Over time the quilt has lost it's shape...it's firmness.  No longer a perfect square, rather a bit stretched...soft...comforting.  The bright hues that once adorned have long since faded.  Many nights of wrapping sick children...being scrubbed clean upon the washboard and hun...

Gratefulness.  One simple word that will transform a life... When those you love are ripped away...When the storms of life blow through... it can leave you despairing, lonely, angry.  Some days it can be a struggle to keep breathing...unless we choose to see our blessings.  Will you join me today?  It would be such an encouragement to me and many others if you would share what you've been blessed with...ALL things... not just those we see as 'good'. God is good - always.  Even when we can't see through the storm...there is still a rainbow waiting on the other side.  Today...together...lets give praise. Her wheat bread recipe still marked with her handwriting The way she pulls the hair from her lips on a windy afternoon Her Chocolate Almond Biscotti Gentle arms that wrapped me...as I sobbed the day my world fell apart Protective hands that envelope mine A sweater that still holds the slig...

Beware!  Natural does  NOT always equal good.  Yikes!  Definitely not one of my best moments... As many of you know - I've been on a quest for all things natural - from cleaners to hygiene products and everything in between.  We've stopped using shampoo, store bought soap (for the most part) and all those nasty household cleaners.  Yet, on occasion I pull out my stash of bleach.  I know my inner bleach queen needs to be buried...but it's a work in progress. Anyhoo, switching to a natural deodorant was of the utmost importance.  However, it quickly became clear that purchasing such a product was going to stretch our budget beyond comfortable limits.  I know what your thinking...but with teen boys we have...well...what can I say?  A great challenge before us that requires much of this sweet smelling substance.  So, after some thought I decided to google it.  How hard could it be to make my own?...

Where's my dinner!  He demanded.  No, not my husband.  My piggy! Apparently pigs like a strict schedule or at least my pig does.  He wants to eat at precisely 5:30am and 5:30pm.  Well...the other day Jonah was late...by one hour.  Oh my word.  You haven't seen anything until you've seen an angry pig!  Boss decided when we brought his dinner he was goin' to give us a piece of his mind.  On a mission for revenge...he strategically placed his food bowl at the door of his house.  That way he would be woken up when we grabbed it and he could scold away. Thankfully, I had warned the kids about how territorial pigs are and told them never to get between a pig and his grub.  Jonah wasn't about to stick his hand right in front of that porkers face to grab the bowl.  His plan was to pull it away with a rake.  Smart kid.  The minute the bowl moved Boss Hogg was awake. Squealing and gruntin'...sc...

Sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh... Yesterday had been a busy day, and I had forgotten all about dinner until late afternoon.  Simple and quick was what I needed...homemade pizza!  You can't get any easier.  We quickly threw together the dough and whipped together a roasted tomato sauce that is to die for.  A few hours later, the house smelled like the Italian countryside.  Everything was going as planned and dinner was going to be awesome!  Pretending I was an authentic Italian chef I hand tossed my soft, cool, dough to perfection...lathered on the delicious sauce with a few artichokes, fresh spinach leaves and onions.  All that was left was to grace the top with a generous mound of cheese.  Yum.  My taste buds were oh.. so.. happy.  I was already salivating.    Trying to do well at time management I headed to another room to finish something up, askin...