Rise and Swine

Buying this farm has been an adventure...a long awaited dream come true...we've been given our hearts desire...and I don't take it for granted. Everyday I wake thankful for what God has given us, but it requires a ton of work and most nights I fall in a heap of exhaustion from it all. In our 25 years of marriage we've called four places home. When we got married we lived in my grandparents basement for exactly five months. Dreaming of a place of our own, I brought my man to a 1890's farmhouse. It had charm galore. A beautiful front porch with columns, moldings, attic rooms, a winding staircase to the second floor, claw foot tub, root cellar, floor to ceiling windows, and of course a horse stable. I was in love! It was perfect. Except - it was trashed! My man took 2 steps up that winding staircase and his foot went right through. That claw foot tub was about to crash through the kitchen ceiling. The electrical was in conduit on the outside of the walls. "Why ar...

As the earth drank I sat silently on the other side of the pane, wrapped in the stiff cotton some soul before had taken their last breath in. All the while praying for that little one I soon would meet. On a stormy July eve, the time had finally come. Stretching out my hands I grabbed hold of our tiny gift. Malakai. I knew his name long before he was ever conceived. Given at the perfect time - he's my angel. Our answered prayer. From that first moment, he had my heart. No one could love him more...no one but Jesus. I remember the first time my belly gripped hard. Ages ago. Paralyzing pain. Lying down I had no strength. Yet I fought against each contraction from this posture. Stiffening and forgetting to breathe. I've learned after all these babes what needs to be done. The nurse, puzzled when she came to check on me. "Why do you sit up like that? Would it not be easier to lay down?" She inquired. I smiled politely but I've learned. So I remained sitting upri...

She strolled beneath the cherry blossoms. Marveled at their beauty and remembered... On a cool April eve, her arm stretched slow across the table to pull plastic off brownies.  When the words poured out "I like your tattoo.  Does it have a special meaning?"  That familiar lump formed in her throat. "Yes, it does...it's a long story...maybe I'll tell you about it someday." Someday. If she got up enough nerve to pull the plastic off herself. It was a cool April morn, ten years before, that marked the reason for the ink upon her wrist. A beautiful spring day filled with life and promise but she didn't...couldn't... see it.  She let the words escape that morning "I don't want to live...not even for five more minutes." Her heart had been broken countless times before but each time she would bend down...pick up the shattered pieces and put it back together.  It never was the same of course.  Pieces missing here and there but overal...

When it's the 10th anniversary of the worst day of your life.  The day that stole the breath right out of you...left you bleeding and questioning everything.  BUT you wake and it's NOT the first thought.  In fact, the memories don't visit for hours...It's a good day.  Filled with God's gifts! Blue skies and snow capped mountains Warm rays of sunshine poured upon my face His kiss goodbye Smoked Butterscotch Lattes Tumbleweeds prancing across country roads with as much grace as I usually display The dog didn't puke in the car today...we're making progress His excitement when the train blew its whistle Her beaming smile as she flew out the front door from dance Walking through the door to find that tall one came home early Tickling her chunky rolls and hearing her laugh and coo Her smiles as she "talks" to her daddy Watching her sleep Cornbread smothered in butter and honey made by this one Freckled face boy gro...

I glanced over to see where the rasping sound was coming from only to find her wee fingers entwined within the willow.  Her Moses basket is her safe place if she's not in someones arms.  It's her comfort and security, except for the braided trunk that curves with a mind of it's own.  Somehow her hand found it's loop.  Although she hates the texture she continues to grab hold and fight with it.  Exhausting herself.  Still - she fights.  She won't win.  The handle isn't going anywhere.  Eventually I turn her the other direction where she can no longer see it.  Still - it won't be long until her arm rubs against it's rough texture.  Then the fight will begin again. I do the same thing at times.  No.  I don't fight with the handle of a basket.  I fight against circumstances, people, the past, regrets...myself.  I don't like the way it makes me feel.  Yet I keep grabbing hold and wrestling.  Exhausting ...

For years I've kept a gratitude journal.  Looking back upon the inked words I know they have been the light my heart needed on some very dark days.  Keeping perspective is hard when all of life comes crashing down but if we stop for just a moment...think for just a moment...we see we've been blessed with so much. Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts has challenged each of us to give thanks.  Asking us to remember our blessings even in the midst of the storm.  Sounds easy enough.  Right?  Yet it's not.  To do this we must make a choice.  I must make a choice.  It must be done with intentionality.  I must pursue the search, actively seek beyond the ugliness of this world to the beauty God showers upon me each and every day. Over time, a truly grateful heart is formed.  Thankfulness becomes a habit and the lens I view the world through becomes brighter, happier, content.  If you want your children to love well...be happy...