"Oh, God. No! Why - why now? What do you want from me? I've loved you. I've tried so hard to please and obey you...and this is what I get? I was so happy! This is a sick joke. You're playing with me. You let me be happy for a moment and then snatch it away? No. I'm angry! I told you this was the one thing I could not survive. I trusted that you would take care of me. Protect me. You're no different than anyone else. Go away!"
"I can’t believe I just said that. Father, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me! I know what I said was wrong. I feel that way now but I know you love me. I need your help. I won't survive this without you. I've been foolish. Please don’t leave me!"
With raw emotion those words poured from my lips before I could edit what was proper to speak. Yes, I was praying but I knew better than to speak to God that way. Nevertheless, there it was in all of it's "glory" unveiling the ugliness of my heart that I had kept hidden - even from myself. A day I never will forget, nor do I want to. With the religious mask banished I took my first step in knowing who God was. A relationship I had longed for but was too "righteous" to reach for. And so my journey began. I found that God was not interested in my pious prayers or "good deeds". My heart is what He desires...whatever condition it may be in. He knew what He was getting when He became my Savior. I don't surprise Him (even though I do surprise myself much of the time). He doesn't expect for me to clean myself up and then come. Rather run after Him with all that I am - holding out empty hands with the expectancy that He will fill them and make me what I was created to be. Letting go...trusting Jesus with everything...was and is my biggest challenge.
I'm learning.
He is God...I am not.
A few years ago I was asked to write my testimony. As God spoke to my heart page after page unfolded. My heart has not been broken into pieces but crushed into dust...
A life riddled with abuse. Steeped in one addiction after another. I became fiercely independent and determined to not trust or need anyone, including God.
After many years I would trust in Him for my salvation but the things dearest to my heart were too intimate to leave in His hands. Those were mine to keep. I thought I had done well protecting my fortress. Until that day when my castle shattered all around me. I was no stranger to pain. My heart had been broken many times and each time I would bend down and carefully pick up each piece. It never was the same... pieces where chipped and broken...some missing altogether...but I would be the one to "fix" it. Yet on that day, there was no longer anything to pick up. Everything had been crushed into dust. Complete desolation. Torment. Desperation. All I could do was cry out to the only one who could put it back together.
Jesus.
With precision and love each piece He restored.
Scars remain to remind me and others of His miraculous works but the anguish is gone.
God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want though.
A loved one dies...babies die.
Marriages fail.
Cancer spreads.
Disappointment knocks at our door.
If He really loves us, then why allow these heartaches to claim their moment in time?
Questions without answers.
At times like these I believe it's easier than we would like to admit to be angry with God - or at least question Him. Our faith waivers. Maybe one tragedy after another has occurred. We once stood strong in the faith,but now our spirit is weak.
Exhausted.
Discouraged.
The Heavens seem silent.
But if our faith is as small as a mustard seed He hears our feeble cries. If we believe like the father in Mark 9:24 "Lord, I believe! Help my weakness of faith!" Jesus will be there. Maybe what we have earnestly pleaded for is not in His divine plan. But if we allow, He will heal and restore every shattered place.
After 12 years of marriage divorce papers were drawn.
Hearts hardened.
Souls torn.
Wounds cut deep.
Irreparable damage.
I was faced with one daunting question: Did I really believe the Bible to be truth?
If so, then what was I going to do with Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Really?
Was I going to blot that scripture out because according to my experience it had failed?
Was I going to walk away from what I had once believed?
Was I going to believe God was Truth? Despite my circumstance.
I wish I could tell you I had great faith...I didn't. My prayers were weak yet honest. What once had been a time filled with religious rhetoric was now the brokenness of a child on her knees begging her Father for mercy. He heard my cries and I found the greatest friend that I will ever have. He loved me. Comforted me. Held me. Forgave me. Never left my side. He restored my marriage. And my husband accepted Jesus as his Savior.
Amazing.
Fourteen months after the divorce papers were drawn we renewed our vows, our commitment to each other and to God. Our family was healed! Today we celebrate the anniversary of that wonderful day! Not every moment since then has been filled with joy. There have been challenges. Hurts. Loss. Angry words. Forgiveness. But each day is a miracle that we hold in awe and are eternally grateful for. We know first hand how God took two extremely broken people and is restoring all that was lost.
I don't know what pain you hold. Maybe I haven't walked in your shoes, but I do know the ONE who understands it all. He is waiting - waiting for YOU. Bring your brokenness and pour it at His feet. You will be healed if you trust THE healer. God hasn't given up on you. Don't give up on Him.
Happy Anniversary Baby! I love you!!!
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
-Mignon McLaughlin-
Until next time...
Jessie
"I can’t believe I just said that. Father, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me! I know what I said was wrong. I feel that way now but I know you love me. I need your help. I won't survive this without you. I've been foolish. Please don’t leave me!"
With raw emotion those words poured from my lips before I could edit what was proper to speak. Yes, I was praying but I knew better than to speak to God that way. Nevertheless, there it was in all of it's "glory" unveiling the ugliness of my heart that I had kept hidden - even from myself. A day I never will forget, nor do I want to. With the religious mask banished I took my first step in knowing who God was. A relationship I had longed for but was too "righteous" to reach for. And so my journey began. I found that God was not interested in my pious prayers or "good deeds". My heart is what He desires...whatever condition it may be in. He knew what He was getting when He became my Savior. I don't surprise Him (even though I do surprise myself much of the time). He doesn't expect for me to clean myself up and then come. Rather run after Him with all that I am - holding out empty hands with the expectancy that He will fill them and make me what I was created to be. Letting go...trusting Jesus with everything...was and is my biggest challenge.
I'm learning.
He is God...I am not.
A few years ago I was asked to write my testimony. As God spoke to my heart page after page unfolded. My heart has not been broken into pieces but crushed into dust...
A life riddled with abuse. Steeped in one addiction after another. I became fiercely independent and determined to not trust or need anyone, including God.
After many years I would trust in Him for my salvation but the things dearest to my heart were too intimate to leave in His hands. Those were mine to keep. I thought I had done well protecting my fortress. Until that day when my castle shattered all around me. I was no stranger to pain. My heart had been broken many times and each time I would bend down and carefully pick up each piece. It never was the same... pieces where chipped and broken...some missing altogether...but I would be the one to "fix" it. Yet on that day, there was no longer anything to pick up. Everything had been crushed into dust. Complete desolation. Torment. Desperation. All I could do was cry out to the only one who could put it back together.
Jesus.
With precision and love each piece He restored.
Scars remain to remind me and others of His miraculous works but the anguish is gone.
God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want though.
A loved one dies...babies die.
Marriages fail.
Cancer spreads.
Disappointment knocks at our door.
If He really loves us, then why allow these heartaches to claim their moment in time?
Questions without answers.
At times like these I believe it's easier than we would like to admit to be angry with God - or at least question Him. Our faith waivers. Maybe one tragedy after another has occurred. We once stood strong in the faith,but now our spirit is weak.
Exhausted.
Discouraged.
The Heavens seem silent.
But if our faith is as small as a mustard seed He hears our feeble cries. If we believe like the father in Mark 9:24 "Lord, I believe! Help my weakness of faith!" Jesus will be there. Maybe what we have earnestly pleaded for is not in His divine plan. But if we allow, He will heal and restore every shattered place.
After 12 years of marriage divorce papers were drawn.
Hearts hardened.
Souls torn.
Wounds cut deep.
Irreparable damage.
I was faced with one daunting question: Did I really believe the Bible to be truth?
If so, then what was I going to do with Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Really?
Was I going to blot that scripture out because according to my experience it had failed?
Was I going to walk away from what I had once believed?
Was I going to believe God was Truth? Despite my circumstance.
I wish I could tell you I had great faith...I didn't. My prayers were weak yet honest. What once had been a time filled with religious rhetoric was now the brokenness of a child on her knees begging her Father for mercy. He heard my cries and I found the greatest friend that I will ever have. He loved me. Comforted me. Held me. Forgave me. Never left my side. He restored my marriage. And my husband accepted Jesus as his Savior.
Amazing.
Fourteen months after the divorce papers were drawn we renewed our vows, our commitment to each other and to God. Our family was healed! Today we celebrate the anniversary of that wonderful day! Not every moment since then has been filled with joy. There have been challenges. Hurts. Loss. Angry words. Forgiveness. But each day is a miracle that we hold in awe and are eternally grateful for. We know first hand how God took two extremely broken people and is restoring all that was lost.
I don't know what pain you hold. Maybe I haven't walked in your shoes, but I do know the ONE who understands it all. He is waiting - waiting for YOU. Bring your brokenness and pour it at His feet. You will be healed if you trust THE healer. God hasn't given up on you. Don't give up on Him.
Happy Anniversary Baby! I love you!!!
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
-Mignon McLaughlin-
Until next time...
Jessie
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