Tears of Blood

Demon possessed?  Perhaps.  Crazy?  Absolutely!  This is usually the reasoning of others.  A taboo few are willing to speak of...Self-injury...Cutting.  We don't dare speak of such things... especially not within the 'righteous' realm of Christianity.  Why?  Some may find this post to be disturbing.  A few others may be outraged.  But some may be helped and even if it's just one...it's worth it.  Let me assure you, it's not something I want to write.  In fact, I would love to forget that this kind of thing even exists.  I can't.  Many are struggling with this addiction.  Tormented.  Hopeless.  Desperate.  Innumerable parents, teens, churches are at a loss.  The solution - pretend it doesn't exist.  Don't ask questions.  If you know someone who is dealing with this.. turn the other way or better yet run away.  And with each silenced mouth the enemy has gained more ground.  That's not good enough.  We need to do better.  We have to do better!

So, the question arises, If they're not crazy - what in the world would cause someone to act so viciously against themselves?  With all the misconceptions looming it's necessary to write on this issue.  This may surprise you, but you probably already know someone entrenched in this bondage and if you don’t... you will.  Hopefully, I can open your eyes a bit so your heart may have compassion, understanding and wisdom of how to help.  I know what 'THAT' kind of person feels... because I was a cutter.

If you discover that someone is cutting don't run and hide.  If it's your child don't freak out.  What they need most is to be surrounded by loving people that are willing to listen.  People that allow them to speak and have a voice.  They need to be heard. 

Here are some questions I have heard countless times:

• Is cutting something that will "rub off" on my child  
• Are cutters violent? 
• Are they trying to commit suicide?  
• What do they look like - are they Goth?
• Don't people cut for attention? 
• Are they crazy?

NO, is the answer to all these questions.  Cutting is something almost always is done in private not to get attention.  Great lengths are taken to hide what was done.  Most cutters are ashamed, and the only violence is towards themselves.  They are not people to be feared.  Most of the time they are the most loving, sensitive, unselfish people you will ever know.  They will be the ones that look like the girl next door.  The one you never suspected.  Always with a smile.  Never wanting to hurt or disappoint others they loose their voice to become a 'people pleaser'.  Although it can lead to suicide (most of the time by accident) that is not usually the purpose.  Tired of feeling numb they cut to feel something.  Anything.  Yes, even Christians can have this problem.  It's no respecter of persons and like all sin... any of us can fall prey to it's grasp.. if our focus is not on Christ.

For me the pain inside was unbearable.  Pressured.  Trapped.  Angry.  Cutting gave relief.  As I cut I would Sob.  Tears streaming down my face quicker than they could be wiped away.  Salty and bitter as they puddled in the corner of my lips.  Bitter tears that reminded me of the hatred towards myself for not being enough.  For being used.  For being the screwed up mess that I thought I was.  For not being heard.  For not feeling loved and accepted.  Alone.  Afraid.  Damaged.

As I cut, I wore the cloak of darkness.  The heaviness pressed down with such force I felt as though I was suffocating.  As my flesh ripped I took in the sickening odor of blood.  Over time the cutting intensified.  Deeper.  More erratic.  More of a rage against myself.  Finally a sense of relief was quickly ushered in.. the pain had been expelled.  Feelings of control overwhelmed me.. despite the chaos.  I had a voice.  Intoxicated very similar to any narcotic.  Relief for a moment, came with the cost of pure anguish to my soul.  Tears of blood and scars of shame is all that I the cutter was left with. 

I'm not crazy.  I'm not possessed.  My heart was broken from a childhood riddled with abuse.  Not knowing what to do with the pain, I fell into an addiction that is gripping, seductive, thrilling, and terrifying.  It's no different than the addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography, anorexia, or overeating.  It's an improper way to cope with overwhelming pain.  A way to feel control in the midst of none.  Unfortunately, there is a stigma attached to this particular addiction.  Satan and others use it to label who you are, but that's NOT who you are.  Like other addictions it's a place too dark to find your way out of alone.  But there is hope.  His name is Jesus.  With Him there is always hope!  There is no pit too deep to pull you from.  Grasp His hand so He can pull you out and set you free.  You can be free.

God has been relentless about this post.  For months I have wavered and quite honestly ran at times.  Even now I have struggled so much with writing this.  How much should be said?  What should be omitted?  My prayer is that it will give insight to those who want to understand but just don't.  And it will give hope to those that are hopeless.  I don't know who, but I do know, that at least one person needed this.  So for YOU I write this.  For YOU I will pray.  If you would like to share your story and let me know specifically what I can pray for you can contact me at riseandswine@gmail.com  Know that you are not alone.


Until then... 
Jessie

       

Disclaimer:  I do not have a degree in Psychology.  I write from my own personal experience only.  If someone you know is dealing with this issue please seek out counsel from a professional.