It seems like yesterday...
I can still remember the moment his bare skin pressed against my chest. With limbs too exhausted to move - still they found their way to envelope this tiny gift. "Hi baby, I'm your mom." With the sound of my voice his face turned to meet mine. Deep, genuine eyes peered into my soul. Doctors rushed about as I lay on the table, life draining from my veins, but the atmosphere did not speak of the danger lurking. For just a moment... as that little guy locked me into his gaze.. all was perfect...Heaven met us both... and in our own world two hearts melted into one.
The room was quiet. Doctors, family and friends had finally left us alone. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Yet I was terrified - terrified that I would fail him. In silence I sat, fixated on the clear plastic basket that held my heart. My breath heaved heavy as I picked him up. Snuggling him between my legs I began to unwind the unending twirl of fleece that swaddled. I wanted to see...every inch. Each tiny toe. Every wrinkle and tuft of hair. In awe...with no words..thankfulness fell from my face. He was mine. How could anything SO perfect, SO precious, come from someone who was such a mess?
Seventeen years now I've intentionally stared into those deep blues. Windows to the soul that inked the story upon my heart when words could not be found. I have seen them radiate as a firefly spilling with joy and excitement, redden and well with sorrow, grow hollow and dark as the chains of anger took root in his heart. Each moment unfolding another chapter of the story.
Life has taken us through many winding paths. Some I wish we would have avoided. I have failed him many times. Words spoken without thought. Wounds caused by ignorance, pride and impatience. Mistakes. Regret. Still we find the way to forgiveness and love.
Now, I sit beside him as he speaks of things to come. "In 3 days, mom." I can hear the hesitation. "I'm kinda nervous about college, mom." I look up. Searching the windows. Then.. then I see the little boy I thought was grown years ago. I smile. We talk. All the while memories flooding my mind and God pulling at my heart. Words cease. Once again I sit in silence, fixated upon the tall frame that still holds my heart. I reach out and grab hold. At first he sits making sarcastic remarks and laughing. I don't let go. I hold tighter. For I have come to understand my children need their mothers' arms and the taller they are the more it is needed. Soon the walls are broken down. It's no longer my arms that wrap the babe, rather the babe grown into a man that wraps me. I don't want to let go...I must. I don't want him to move on...he must. The natural order demands a new chapter be written. I am so proud of the man he is becoming but that doesn't stop this ache deep in my heart. I wipe the tears from us both and tell him that even though he'll soon leave, he will be in my heart forever. He was really never mine to keep... just to borrow...now it is time for him to do what God has for him. I hold his chin within my palm as my fingers brush against his cheek. For just a moment... all is perfect...Heaven meets us both... and in our own world two hearts are melted into one.
I can still remember the moment his bare skin pressed against my chest. With limbs too exhausted to move - still they found their way to envelope this tiny gift. "Hi baby, I'm your mom." With the sound of my voice his face turned to meet mine. Deep, genuine eyes peered into my soul. Doctors rushed about as I lay on the table, life draining from my veins, but the atmosphere did not speak of the danger lurking. For just a moment... as that little guy locked me into his gaze.. all was perfect...Heaven met us both... and in our own world two hearts melted into one.
The room was quiet. Doctors, family and friends had finally left us alone. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Yet I was terrified - terrified that I would fail him. In silence I sat, fixated on the clear plastic basket that held my heart. My breath heaved heavy as I picked him up. Snuggling him between my legs I began to unwind the unending twirl of fleece that swaddled. I wanted to see...every inch. Each tiny toe. Every wrinkle and tuft of hair. In awe...with no words..thankfulness fell from my face. He was mine. How could anything SO perfect, SO precious, come from someone who was such a mess?
Seventeen years now I've intentionally stared into those deep blues. Windows to the soul that inked the story upon my heart when words could not be found. I have seen them radiate as a firefly spilling with joy and excitement, redden and well with sorrow, grow hollow and dark as the chains of anger took root in his heart. Each moment unfolding another chapter of the story.
Life has taken us through many winding paths. Some I wish we would have avoided. I have failed him many times. Words spoken without thought. Wounds caused by ignorance, pride and impatience. Mistakes. Regret. Still we find the way to forgiveness and love.
Now, I sit beside him as he speaks of things to come. "In 3 days, mom." I can hear the hesitation. "I'm kinda nervous about college, mom." I look up. Searching the windows. Then.. then I see the little boy I thought was grown years ago. I smile. We talk. All the while memories flooding my mind and God pulling at my heart. Words cease. Once again I sit in silence, fixated upon the tall frame that still holds my heart. I reach out and grab hold. At first he sits making sarcastic remarks and laughing. I don't let go. I hold tighter. For I have come to understand my children need their mothers' arms and the taller they are the more it is needed. Soon the walls are broken down. It's no longer my arms that wrap the babe, rather the babe grown into a man that wraps me. I don't want to let go...I must. I don't want him to move on...he must. The natural order demands a new chapter be written. I am so proud of the man he is becoming but that doesn't stop this ache deep in my heart. I wipe the tears from us both and tell him that even though he'll soon leave, he will be in my heart forever. He was really never mine to keep... just to borrow...now it is time for him to do what God has for him. I hold his chin within my palm as my fingers brush against his cheek. For just a moment... all is perfect...Heaven meets us both... and in our own world two hearts are melted into one.
Until then...
Jessie
What a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteI loved seeing pics of you and Todd back in the day! Doesn't seem like that was 17 years ago, does it? I always thought you'd be a great mommy, even after we lost touch. But to see the love you have for your kids now is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteJessica,
ReplyDeleteTell Josh that we are so proud of him as begins this new path in his life.
He is such an awesome young man. John and I wish him great joy in this journey. Praying blessings over each step he takes.
With much love,
John and Ginni Burns
Tears...Sigh...You touch my heart as I look ahead a couple of short years when this will be my world too! Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe Josh is ready for college. It seems like only yesterday he was born. I am proud of him and you!
ReplyDeleteStephanie