I wake to the stillness. Beyond the glass frame the trees bend low...still in a slumber blanketed in heavy powder. The constant creaking of the rocker is the only sound resonating within these walls. I watch through the frame as creation begins to wake. The sun rises slowly as if she's in the midst of a slow yawn but my heart doesn't rise with her. It's low... cloaked with heaviness like the trees outside my window.
The day was rushed like many others with too many things to do. Coffee in hand I stumbled my way to the blinking screen. With one click I was bombarded with messages all pressing for my immediate attention. Quickly I scanned through...one was from a good friend I haven't heard from for a long time. With anticipation I began to read. The words slapped harshly against my cold heart. "You always put Jesus first." No! No, I don't. I wanted to scream, but the sting left me speechless.
I went about my day trying to forget...to ignore his words. Still they echoed...for days...weeks these words have had me in there grasp. What does it really mean to put Jesus first, always?
I think of Sruthi, our little girl in India that we committed to sponsor. How long has it been since I've written her? How often have I prayed for her? How well have I loved her? The answer is difficult to admit: out of sight out of mind...busy with more important matters. More important matters than people? No, I don't put Jesus first...
I ink out "Dearest Sruthi, I write this with a heavy heart...words of shame and repentance. I tell her that in America we are blessed but unfortunately our blessings can be our biggest curse if we loose sight of who they come from. I tell her she's precious and beautiful, that Jesus loves her so very much and will never fail her but I - I have been selfish. I have not loved like I should. I have failed her. My heart bleeds out words as I ask her forgiveness and plead with this little girl, that I have never met half - way around the world to pray for me that I would be more loving. Ashamed. Humbled. For it is she that has taught me about love.
The email from my friend was a blessing though not in the way they intended. I've grown hard, complacent, numb. A 'friend' betrayed me. They used their position of authority as a weapon, lying and gossiping, destroying my reputation before many. It hurt. It still hurts. I didn't want to trust anymore. I didn't want to give - not even love. In trying to protect my heart from getting hurt again I closed it to all... even the innocent. Perhaps you've done the same thing? I realized... without loving people... I can't love God...they go together. Despite what others do, I am called to keep loving with all my might no matter what. I choose love. What about you?
The day was rushed like many others with too many things to do. Coffee in hand I stumbled my way to the blinking screen. With one click I was bombarded with messages all pressing for my immediate attention. Quickly I scanned through...one was from a good friend I haven't heard from for a long time. With anticipation I began to read. The words slapped harshly against my cold heart. "You always put Jesus first." No! No, I don't. I wanted to scream, but the sting left me speechless.
I went about my day trying to forget...to ignore his words. Still they echoed...for days...weeks these words have had me in there grasp. What does it really mean to put Jesus first, always?
I think of Sruthi, our little girl in India that we committed to sponsor. How long has it been since I've written her? How often have I prayed for her? How well have I loved her? The answer is difficult to admit: out of sight out of mind...busy with more important matters. More important matters than people? No, I don't put Jesus first...
I ink out "Dearest Sruthi, I write this with a heavy heart...words of shame and repentance. I tell her that in America we are blessed but unfortunately our blessings can be our biggest curse if we loose sight of who they come from. I tell her she's precious and beautiful, that Jesus loves her so very much and will never fail her but I - I have been selfish. I have not loved like I should. I have failed her. My heart bleeds out words as I ask her forgiveness and plead with this little girl, that I have never met half - way around the world to pray for me that I would be more loving. Ashamed. Humbled. For it is she that has taught me about love.
The email from my friend was a blessing though not in the way they intended. I've grown hard, complacent, numb. A 'friend' betrayed me. They used their position of authority as a weapon, lying and gossiping, destroying my reputation before many. It hurt. It still hurts. I didn't want to trust anymore. I didn't want to give - not even love. In trying to protect my heart from getting hurt again I closed it to all... even the innocent. Perhaps you've done the same thing? I realized... without loving people... I can't love God...they go together. Despite what others do, I am called to keep loving with all my might no matter what. I choose love. What about you?
You are more of a blessing than you know, Jess. Even when you struggle... because remember, we are only human. We are not perfect beings. But even in your struggle, you bless those around you. I don't know you well, anymore. But what I do know, what I see from miles away, blesses me. Maybe not in ways you intend, but a blessing none the less, because you are real.
ReplyDeleteThank you! You bless me too, Tresa.
ReplyDeleteI have been blessed to watch God continue to radically transform you into His image. You also are the source of my sin because I am still envious of your word imagery, its poetic. Enjoy basking in God's grace this season. He who began this work in you is Faithful, and He will be faithful to complete it in you! We enjoy reading your posts.
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