Almost 14 years have passed, but the calendar is still marked for today - his birthday. I was twenty-one when the angels took him. It's been more than a decade, yet that moment of time seems frozen. Pain that is healed, pain that is raw reside together within my heart; memories that seem like yesterday and memories that seem a lifetime ago. Still every year, there on my calendar, marks the day of his birth. His birth, his life, is what I celebrate. Born in the season of miracles, yet his death taught me great lessons that I don't want to forget.
His title: Grandfather. However, the empty room he filled was the one reserved for my daddy. From the very moment of my being we were inseparable. He was my constant. My security. My protector. My world. I was his joy. The apple of his eye. His life. Never did I doubt his love for me. Never did I doubt his love for Jesus or other people. The kindest man I've ever known. I witnessed his forgiveness as a child...I was granted his forgiveness on his death bed.
April 22
We both journeyed to different hospitals, miles apart, that cool spring morn. He was scheduled for double knee surgery - I was giving birth to my third child. He had been present for the birth of my other two children. Without him there, something was missing...I was afraid. Four a.m. and the phone rang, his voice on the other end. He calmed my fears and prayed over me as always.
Two days later, I came home with an adorable baby boy and he was recovering. "Can you come see me?" he begged. "Not today. I'm tired and have so much to do. I'll come tomorrow." I wasn't too busy. I wasn't too tired. I was selfish and too confident tomorrow would come. I didn't know that would be the last time I would ever hear his voice.
That night several massive heart attacks put him on life support and shook the world of all those that loved him. He was the strength, the glue of our entire family. He was the one that taught us all who Jesus is... how we should love...what is truly important. What would we do without him?
Three weeks later the time had come. A decision must be made. Weeks of prayers seemingly unanswered, organ failure, dialysis, constant suffering drew a bleak picture, and this God we all prayed to, didn't seem to see or care. Family gathered 'round his bed while the nurse unhooked the machines that gave breath. "Any minute." they said. Any minute, and he will be gone. They were wrong.
At first, so many were there but as the hours lingered the number became few. Finally, the last hour had come, only five of us remain. One goes to sit in the waiting room. Another is begging the nurse to "help him go." The nurse is sobbing, she understands but she can't. Then they begin to beg God...I've never heard raw desperation like that before - I hope I never have to again.
It's down to two of us now. Only silence - silence that would make your skin crawl. The room smells like death. It's cold. The only one that stands with me; he then leaves. It's too much. I understand. I want to run - I can't. He would never leave me...I can't leave. Besides, it's the only place that feels right to be. So I stand at a distance. It feels as though a glass wall is between us and no matter how desperately I try, I can't reach him. I stand on the hem of deaths door, but it has not come for me.
I step toward the foot of the bed, and take hold of his hand, it's time to say goodbye. But my heart cries out: "God! Who will ever love me like this again?" I kiss his forehead and walk out the door of his room. Each step is heavy and forced. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I knew he wouldn't want me there for the last breath. Moments later he was gone.
"Who will ever love me like that again?" I wasn't a Christian when those words poured out. I can honestly say, I have never felt love like that from any human since, but I have been loved like that by Jesus.
Christmas time is near. For many of us it is a season filled with joy. For others it is a season filled with heartache. I don't know what this past year has brought you or how this Christmas season finds you, but if you feel lost...there is hope. No matter what storm you may be in, Jesus can carry you through it. He will never leave you... and He will love you more than you ever imagined. He was born in a dirty manger so he could live a perfect life then die upon a tree to pay for my sin...your sin...that's how great His love is!
For those of you that feel so very blessed this season, let this post be a reminder to not take for granted those God has blessed you with. Don't rush through the days being overwhelmed with the 'to-do' list of Christmas. Hold tight to each moment. Take time to love those around you. Forgive. And be grateful to the One who came and gave the greatest gift of all...for we don't know what tomorrow holds.
Until then...
Jessie
His title: Grandfather. However, the empty room he filled was the one reserved for my daddy. From the very moment of my being we were inseparable. He was my constant. My security. My protector. My world. I was his joy. The apple of his eye. His life. Never did I doubt his love for me. Never did I doubt his love for Jesus or other people. The kindest man I've ever known. I witnessed his forgiveness as a child...I was granted his forgiveness on his death bed.
April 22
We both journeyed to different hospitals, miles apart, that cool spring morn. He was scheduled for double knee surgery - I was giving birth to my third child. He had been present for the birth of my other two children. Without him there, something was missing...I was afraid. Four a.m. and the phone rang, his voice on the other end. He calmed my fears and prayed over me as always.
Two days later, I came home with an adorable baby boy and he was recovering. "Can you come see me?" he begged. "Not today. I'm tired and have so much to do. I'll come tomorrow." I wasn't too busy. I wasn't too tired. I was selfish and too confident tomorrow would come. I didn't know that would be the last time I would ever hear his voice.
That night several massive heart attacks put him on life support and shook the world of all those that loved him. He was the strength, the glue of our entire family. He was the one that taught us all who Jesus is... how we should love...what is truly important. What would we do without him?
Three weeks later the time had come. A decision must be made. Weeks of prayers seemingly unanswered, organ failure, dialysis, constant suffering drew a bleak picture, and this God we all prayed to, didn't seem to see or care. Family gathered 'round his bed while the nurse unhooked the machines that gave breath. "Any minute." they said. Any minute, and he will be gone. They were wrong.
At first, so many were there but as the hours lingered the number became few. Finally, the last hour had come, only five of us remain. One goes to sit in the waiting room. Another is begging the nurse to "help him go." The nurse is sobbing, she understands but she can't. Then they begin to beg God...I've never heard raw desperation like that before - I hope I never have to again.
It's down to two of us now. Only silence - silence that would make your skin crawl. The room smells like death. It's cold. The only one that stands with me; he then leaves. It's too much. I understand. I want to run - I can't. He would never leave me...I can't leave. Besides, it's the only place that feels right to be. So I stand at a distance. It feels as though a glass wall is between us and no matter how desperately I try, I can't reach him. I stand on the hem of deaths door, but it has not come for me.
I step toward the foot of the bed, and take hold of his hand, it's time to say goodbye. But my heart cries out: "God! Who will ever love me like this again?" I kiss his forehead and walk out the door of his room. Each step is heavy and forced. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I knew he wouldn't want me there for the last breath. Moments later he was gone.
"Who will ever love me like that again?" I wasn't a Christian when those words poured out. I can honestly say, I have never felt love like that from any human since, but I have been loved like that by Jesus.
Christmas time is near. For many of us it is a season filled with joy. For others it is a season filled with heartache. I don't know what this past year has brought you or how this Christmas season finds you, but if you feel lost...there is hope. No matter what storm you may be in, Jesus can carry you through it. He will never leave you... and He will love you more than you ever imagined. He was born in a dirty manger so he could live a perfect life then die upon a tree to pay for my sin...your sin...that's how great His love is!
For those of you that feel so very blessed this season, let this post be a reminder to not take for granted those God has blessed you with. Don't rush through the days being overwhelmed with the 'to-do' list of Christmas. Hold tight to each moment. Take time to love those around you. Forgive. And be grateful to the One who came and gave the greatest gift of all...for we don't know what tomorrow holds.
Until then...
Jessie
Very touching post, Jess. So sorry for your loss. I didn't even know about him.
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