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Six Favorites

I've stretched my arms to receive that freshly born babe, 6 times over now.  One may think it would become routine, but the miracle of new life always overwhelms. 

Even with 6 - each one is your favorite.  Each one is what makes everyday worth waking.  Each one can... and probably will... shred your heart.  Only God knows how a mothers' heart can rejoice as one takes their first breath...while at the same moment...lament over the one who's stumbling through the darkness.

Weeks ago our bouncy baby arrived.  As I gazed into those deep blues I remembered staring into the eyes of my first.  He's 19 now, but he's still my baby.  I remember the dreams I had of me being the perfect mother.  Him...them...being the perfect children.  Then - then I failed more times than I can count.  I've learned there are no perfect mothers...least of all me.  No perfect children.  Just a mess of broken people.  Living each day doing the best we know how.  Hopefully, learning to do better each day.

Swaddling our new little one, I remembered swaddling the others so very tightly, making sure every appendage would stay in place.  They all fought against the cocoon that enveloped. 

From the moment they became mine they began to pull away. 

I want to keep them safe.  I want them to love Jesus.  Choose wisely.  I want the best for them.  Yet, in the end it's not my choice... it's theirs. 

All my babies home for my birthday

Motherhood - it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  It has humbled me and taught me more than anything else in life.  It has also blessed me with riches I never thought possible.  I'm learning that although it's my job to protect, teach and give every inch of my heart it's also my job to let go...trust God...and remember they were never mine to begin with.  They were just entrusted to me for a time. 

I don't like that part. 

Some would instruct me to control, manipulate and the temptation has been great at times.  But what does God do with His children?  He never controls.  He loves.  Warns.  At times corrects.  He allows us to choose.  To have free will - an amazing gift yet a heavy responsibility.  We break His heart at times with our choices.  Still, He continues to love but he doesn't rescue us from the consequence.  So, I hope to learn from His example.  From the moment my children are born I choose to love, teach, correct, give, pray and trust the only One who will love them more than I. 

Then - then I let them go...


Until then...
Jessie
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