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When I Want To Give Up

It's when everything crashes hard...I'm broken...then there it is... just another shard to cut clean through.  Weary.  Afraid.  Angry.  That - that's when I need to praise most.  I don't always want to.

Really.
I. do. not. want. to.

Still, I know it's in those uncomfortable, unpolished, raw, unholy moments...or maybe they're the most holy of all?  That's when I need to frame how I see.  Pour out my heart to the one who made me. Not just spill with lament but with thanksgiving.  I need to remember the unwavering, faithful, loving God who holds everything.

Everything.

Even me.

Curled within the knitted threads...snow blankets the barren trees and the dark tries to smother. Turning from it's bitter invitation I choose to see. Light overcomes the darkness and joy fills my heart again.

Mornings of laughter and breakfast dates with that tall one who calls me mom
Furry popcorn
Seizures - life is fragile...I must love well...slow...remember now
Tears of fear.  Anger.  Expose those places I still just don't trust Him...
Strong arms that catch me when I come undone
Dirty dishes, paw-printed floors, unmade beds, never ending laundry and 8 messy people who live the hard but always find love... always find each other
Young men who paint the toe nails of their little sister
Hot tea with just a drop of honey
A man who works so hard for me and his children
Replaced tiles in the shower
The soft fur of my new little friend rubbing against my hand
Kai, reaching to hug me as he nurses
Quiet snow and quiet minds - far from the chaos and drama and screaming voices of : Not enough.
Six hungry kids trying to gobble the strudels before dad eats them all...birthday cakes and smiles around the dinner table
Late night conversations with that firstborn - No, no one is ever a mistake.  God calls us by name before we were ever formed...we have never been forgotten and we will never be forsaken
A soul messy but untangled enough to breath
Mothers who never gave what they should have...never loved like they should have...and the strength to accept that they never will
Prayers from those who love us
The gift of another day

Until then...
Jessie


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