Skip to main content

She Has A Name

I hear her dancing in the wind...beckoning me to come outside...feel the rain upon my face...but do I dare?

I've watched from the pane as she stood ablaze in autumns glory - slowly letting go of each brilliant hue. Watched while her limbs bent low through the long winter - burdened by the very thing that sustained. Watched while pops of green unfurled - life once again.

I've surveyed from the window, but to go and meet her?
The soil that she feeds upon cradles my child and I can't bring myself to go there.

It's been a year since my baby opened her eyes and looked into the face of Jesus...while I held her tiny frame here on earth.


Miriam Grace.

She has a name.
My name.
The name I was given while in Israel - what my grandparents and family always called me.
Miriam: Bitter, Sea of sorrow, Longed for or wished for child.
Grace: God's favor.

She was God's favor to me. Losing her has been bitter. My heart has been filled with sorrow and longing but God in his mercy has given me grace. To most she is nothing. Born too young, she's not considered a person. Because of this we get to choose where she will sleep. We lay her where she would have played, laughed, dug for rolypolies, made mud pies. Beneath the towering maple, while chimes play the never sung lullabies.

One year ago today, we covered our baby girl in dirt

While I walk this earth my heart will never be the same. Today...I long for my child. I long for that day when the trumpet will sound and all those who sleep will be caught in the sky...all tears will be wiped away.

Until that day, we choose joy. We gather as a family to celebrate life. So, on the one year anniversary of Miriam's birth we have pizza and cake to celebrate that sweet little boy who just turned 4. The one we all adore. For dinner we have cheeseburgers - what I craved every day I carried our perfect Miriam. We smile that she was here...now safe in Heaven...soon we will meet again.

Until then...
Jessie

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Light Always Wins

 I was seven when I stepped foot into the Tel Aviv Airport accompanied by my stepdad - a Palestinian. The Israeli soldiers stood armed as they ripped through each of our suitcases, pulled my dad into a room for questioning, and detained us for several hours. We were not there as tourists. We were on our way to Jericho to visit family... but we were the enemy. Even at seven the hatred between all was undeniable. As a child I did not comprehend fully but I remember...fear. Walking the roads of that country for a month is an experience I will never forget. I remember once being at a family member's home while they argued over who was right, the Jews or Palestinians. I remember the tears, the anger, and shouting. I can't recall most of the words spoken that day. I don't know whose argument was stronger. What I do know is...what the Bible says about God's chosen people, and that in war... no one wins...even when it is necessary there is always suffering for both sides. The J...

We Have A Baby!!!

It's about time! IT'S A BOY!!!     Malakai James Lutz 7 pounds 14 ounces 20 inches     Until then... Jessie 

Judgment Loomed

As I exited the door my heart was pierced with their animosity.  Hatred and poison spewed from their lips.  Murderer!  Whore!  Baby killer!  You'll rot in Hell for what you did!  Over and over...  The savage mob encircled me with no escape.  Screaming just a breath away from my face.  Shoving with such force I was almost knocked to the ground.  They spat in my hair.  Humiliated.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I pushed through the violence.  Once inside my car I began to weep.   Even in the present their vile words reel through my mind.  Beads of sweat began to form in my tightly clinched fists.  Squirming in my chair... biting my lower lip as an attempt to hold it together.  Peering above the Pastor's head as though I was looking at him... knowing if I did I would burst into tears.  That was my experience at church...