Written a few years ago.
I've been a mom for almost 24 years now.
No one told me the hardest part would be when my children grew up.
I remember the sleepless nights of crying babes, the never-ending poop and laundry, the chaotic days of having 4 little ones underfoot. I remember the guilt that I wasn't doing anything right or enough. The moments behind the locked bathroom door with faucet running so no one would hear my sobs.
I know they've grown into men. Still, my heart remembers them as those little ones I rocked to sleep each night.
I'm so proud of them and excited to see what the future holds. But I'll miss them...time goes too fast.
Gone are the days of them being little boys. Yet if they were hurt, I would run to them with the same panic and fierceness as I did when they were two but I won't be able to kiss the boo-boo away. Now their hurts and calling loom greater than either of us.
This is what keeps me on my knees.
Now I see them walking into danger - sometimes for noble reasons...sometimes foolish ones. I know they could be hurt but all I can do is pray. At times I have to let them fall flat on their face without picking them up - only stretching out a helping hand when they want to get up. Sometimes I choose to support their decision when my heart is really screaming no. I have to choose over and over to step out of the way so they can become who God made them to be and sometimes that means letting go of all that I wanted them to be.
Until then...
Jessie
No one told me the hardest part would be when my children grew up.
I remember the sleepless nights of crying babes, the never-ending poop and laundry, the chaotic days of having 4 little ones underfoot. I remember the guilt that I wasn't doing anything right or enough. The moments behind the locked bathroom door with faucet running so no one would hear my sobs.
I remember...
The season I find myself in now is strange. With two grown children already gone, two more on the way out the door, a pre-teen, preschooler, and toddler, I now have a different perspective than I did so long ago. Now, when I scoop up those precious little ones my heart aches a bit in knowing the hard part is yet to come.
I stand at the sink washing dinner dishes when he hugs me - towers over me. That little boy I used to wrap in my arms now wraps me in his man-sized frame. It's been this way for years, but I never get used to it. We talk until 1 a.m. He tells me how a car almost fell on him at work. He shares his struggles...tells me of his dreams. We laugh. These moments are some of my greatest treasures that will soon be gone.
He will leave soon.
The younger one has a truck, a girlfriend, and his own company. Always some dangerous tool in his hands - my mom-heart is not fond of this. He wrestles with his sister in the kitchen like the little boy I remember and I smile at the memories of the one who has always kept me on my toes. Then he steps up to a platform as a man to give his testimony of how God has changed his heart.
He will leave soon.
The season I find myself in now is strange. With two grown children already gone, two more on the way out the door, a pre-teen, preschooler, and toddler, I now have a different perspective than I did so long ago. Now, when I scoop up those precious little ones my heart aches a bit in knowing the hard part is yet to come.
I stand at the sink washing dinner dishes when he hugs me - towers over me. That little boy I used to wrap in my arms now wraps me in his man-sized frame. It's been this way for years, but I never get used to it. We talk until 1 a.m. He tells me how a car almost fell on him at work. He shares his struggles...tells me of his dreams. We laugh. These moments are some of my greatest treasures that will soon be gone.
He will leave soon.
The younger one has a truck, a girlfriend, and his own company. Always some dangerous tool in his hands - my mom-heart is not fond of this. He wrestles with his sister in the kitchen like the little boy I remember and I smile at the memories of the one who has always kept me on my toes. Then he steps up to a platform as a man to give his testimony of how God has changed his heart.
He will leave soon.
I know they've grown into men. Still, my heart remembers them as those little ones I rocked to sleep each night.
I'm so proud of them and excited to see what the future holds. But I'll miss them...time goes too fast.
Gone are the days of them being little boys. Yet if they were hurt, I would run to them with the same panic and fierceness as I did when they were two but I won't be able to kiss the boo-boo away. Now their hurts and calling loom greater than either of us.
This is what keeps me on my knees.
When they were little I had a false sense of control.
Now I'm keenly aware that I have control of nothing.
Now I'm keenly aware that I have control of nothing.
I simply have to trust God with their hearts...even when I don't understand.
Now I see them walking into danger - sometimes for noble reasons...sometimes foolish ones. I know they could be hurt but all I can do is pray. At times I have to let them fall flat on their face without picking them up - only stretching out a helping hand when they want to get up. Sometimes I choose to support their decision when my heart is really screaming no. I have to choose over and over to step out of the way so they can become who God made them to be and sometimes that means letting go of all that I wanted them to be.
Until then...
Jessie
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