When

When your belly should be swelling with excitement...but your babies lay under blankets of snow.
When mothers should be mothers...but you’ve been orphaned for as long as you can remember.
When children are torn from family - nothing more than collateral damage.
When a loved one sits in a PSYCH Ward - they decided it was all too much.
When another you love more than anything won't step off the path of self-destruction.
When your child’s heart breaks...it breaks your own in a way you never imagined.
When a "friend” hugs you for all to see, but has taken every opportunity to stab you in the back to climb the ladder of position.
When one who doesn’t know you at all, speaks of who you are and who you’re not - despite how wrong they are, you’ll forever be trapped in the box of their perceptions.
When you go to get the dogs...only to find your favorite one has died.
When in the middle of it all, you’re supposed to make Christmas for your favorite people...in 2 days.

When you know: You. Can’t. Do. It.
Everything feels so broken.

So you sit, and cradle that dog like she was your babies, and you weep and shake. Suffocating darkness creeps up the throat attempting to steal your very breath...but your children are watching. That red-head swaddles her in a blanket and takes her to the vet to be cremated and you make the dreaded phone call to that tall one who adored his wild little friend, Opal. And you cry because he's a man but you can hear the kid through his voice and you know how his heart is hurting.

When you kinda want to give up. Throw a box of donuts at everyone and call it a Christmas. Crawl back under the covers and stay. Or fall back into your own destructive patterns of coping. Why try? Why bother with creating beauty when it seems you sit in a heap of ash. Why bother praying for things that seem impossible?

Then the Holy Spirit reminds you:
When all is out of control
He holds it all...sees it all.
When I’m a mess.
He’s not.
When I fail.
He forgives.
When I’m afraid.
He is peace.
When I feel forsaken, forgotten, betrayed
He never left my side.
When I feel hopeless.
He is hope.
He is our hope for Christmas and all of our days
Christmas isn’t about what I do
It’s that He came to rescue us all
He always comes in the darkest times, smothers the black with His light, and saves those who trust in Him.
I have control of nothing.
I can’t change hearts.
I can’t fix anything
But - He can.

Until then...
Jessie