Buying this farm has been an adventure...a long awaited dream come true...we've been given our hearts desire...and I don't take it for granted. Everyday I wake thankful for what God has given us, but it requires a ton of work and most nights I fall in a heap of exhaustion from it all.
In our 25 years of marriage we've called four places home. When we got married we lived in my grandparents basement for exactly five months. Dreaming of a place of our own, I brought my man to a 1890's farmhouse. It had charm galore. A beautiful front porch with columns, moldings, attic rooms, a winding staircase to the second floor, claw foot tub, root cellar, floor to ceiling windows, and of course a horse stable. I was in love! It was perfect. Except - it was trashed! My man took 2 steps up that winding staircase and his foot went right through. That claw foot tub was about to crash through the kitchen ceiling. The electrical was in conduit on the outside of the walls. "Why are we here?" he ask. When I revealed that I wanted this to be our home he looked at me like "What kind of crazy did I just marry!" But we jump on board with each others' dreams pretty quick. So, at 18 years of age we bought our first home. Knowing nothing about design or construction we gutted the place. Really, we couldn't have made it any worse. Four years later we went the opposite direction and had a house built. It was our home for 20 years. Now we have our farm.
I love our new house! From the first time we saw it online it felt like home. So many things we had or wanted in our previous homes, we have here. Enormous wood paned windows that flood each room with light, gorgeous views from every side, spacious communal spaces that dwarf our 14 foot dining table, a root cellar, and of course 20 acres of that land that we have many plans for. The house structure is solid but the finishes are not my style, they're old, and falling apart. When we first bought the place we basically gutted the whole interior - most of it down to the studs. However, with winter coming our attention has turned to the outside for the past few months. We spent much time creating proper drainage, replacing rotten siding, etc. nothing exciting but all necessary to get done before the snow falls. I did have lofty plans to finish the siding, exterior painting, and new lights for the porch by the time we took pictures. Well, as with most remodeling projects they take longer than expected and the space around the door was the only place that was finished. No problem. We'll just get a cute picture in front of the door and crop out the rest I thought.
As soon as I got the link to our photo session I scrolled through and came upon the picture below - I was reminded of truth. Instead of cropping the picture to have a crisp, clean backdrop you see the tired half-painted siding and dirt where there should be grass. Yet, it's the reality of the season we're in. Why do I need to change that?
I love what pictures capture but they rarely tell the full truth. What you all don't see is the argument someone had right before smiling for the camera (don't worry they made up). The anxiety in my heart over Chaela's eye surgery. Or the sweat dripping from all of us as we tried getting 5 little kids to cooperate.
There is always much more to the picture than what you see.
I find that in this edited, Instagram, Pinterest perfection society I often want to crop out the messy parts of my life. Show you all the lovely and perfect...wear a mask. I don't like to be under the judgmental eye of others. I don't like to be gossiped about. I don't like feeling vulnerable...uncomfortable. I remember one time in a group we were ask what we had read in our Bibles that week. Everyone shared as I sat with sweaty palms. When the circle came around to me I had a choice to make - be honest or wear that mask. I don't wear it well so I spoke "Nothing. I read nothing. I had a very hard week and I didn't want to read anything because my heart hurts." Ummm, that didn't win me any points. I was judged and it was brought up to me a few months later as a reason why I shouldn't be in church leadership. And you know what? That's okay. Their judgment spoke volumes of who they are not who I am. God knew what had happened to deeply wound me. He knew someone I love very much had used scripture to beat me down and be cruel - to dehumanize and dishonor my dead baby. He knew I needed to just sit in silence with Him and be loved. That is what was best for me that week instead of checking off my to-do list for others' approval.
I know it's hard to be vulnerable.
Still, I encourage you to live unveiled authentic lives.
There are unsafe, unkind, judgmental people but pretending to be something we're not is never the answer. Hiding in fear, shame, or regret is never the answer.
Messy can be fixed.
Broken can be healed.
It's the hidden things that remain hopeless.
And remember...there is always beauty even in the midst of a mess.
In our 25 years of marriage we've called four places home. When we got married we lived in my grandparents basement for exactly five months. Dreaming of a place of our own, I brought my man to a 1890's farmhouse. It had charm galore. A beautiful front porch with columns, moldings, attic rooms, a winding staircase to the second floor, claw foot tub, root cellar, floor to ceiling windows, and of course a horse stable. I was in love! It was perfect. Except - it was trashed! My man took 2 steps up that winding staircase and his foot went right through. That claw foot tub was about to crash through the kitchen ceiling. The electrical was in conduit on the outside of the walls. "Why are we here?" he ask. When I revealed that I wanted this to be our home he looked at me like "What kind of crazy did I just marry!" But we jump on board with each others' dreams pretty quick. So, at 18 years of age we bought our first home. Knowing nothing about design or construction we gutted the place. Really, we couldn't have made it any worse. Four years later we went the opposite direction and had a house built. It was our home for 20 years. Now we have our farm.
I love our new house! From the first time we saw it online it felt like home. So many things we had or wanted in our previous homes, we have here. Enormous wood paned windows that flood each room with light, gorgeous views from every side, spacious communal spaces that dwarf our 14 foot dining table, a root cellar, and of course 20 acres of that land that we have many plans for. The house structure is solid but the finishes are not my style, they're old, and falling apart. When we first bought the place we basically gutted the whole interior - most of it down to the studs. However, with winter coming our attention has turned to the outside for the past few months. We spent much time creating proper drainage, replacing rotten siding, etc. nothing exciting but all necessary to get done before the snow falls. I did have lofty plans to finish the siding, exterior painting, and new lights for the porch by the time we took pictures. Well, as with most remodeling projects they take longer than expected and the space around the door was the only place that was finished. No problem. We'll just get a cute picture in front of the door and crop out the rest I thought.
As soon as I got the link to our photo session I scrolled through and came upon the picture below - I was reminded of truth. Instead of cropping the picture to have a crisp, clean backdrop you see the tired half-painted siding and dirt where there should be grass. Yet, it's the reality of the season we're in. Why do I need to change that?
I love what pictures capture but they rarely tell the full truth. What you all don't see is the argument someone had right before smiling for the camera (don't worry they made up). The anxiety in my heart over Chaela's eye surgery. Or the sweat dripping from all of us as we tried getting 5 little kids to cooperate.
There is always much more to the picture than what you see.
I find that in this edited, Instagram, Pinterest perfection society I often want to crop out the messy parts of my life. Show you all the lovely and perfect...wear a mask. I don't like to be under the judgmental eye of others. I don't like to be gossiped about. I don't like feeling vulnerable...uncomfortable. I remember one time in a group we were ask what we had read in our Bibles that week. Everyone shared as I sat with sweaty palms. When the circle came around to me I had a choice to make - be honest or wear that mask. I don't wear it well so I spoke "Nothing. I read nothing. I had a very hard week and I didn't want to read anything because my heart hurts." Ummm, that didn't win me any points. I was judged and it was brought up to me a few months later as a reason why I shouldn't be in church leadership. And you know what? That's okay. Their judgment spoke volumes of who they are not who I am. God knew what had happened to deeply wound me. He knew someone I love very much had used scripture to beat me down and be cruel - to dehumanize and dishonor my dead baby. He knew I needed to just sit in silence with Him and be loved. That is what was best for me that week instead of checking off my to-do list for others' approval.
I know it's hard to be vulnerable.
Still, I encourage you to live unveiled authentic lives.
There are unsafe, unkind, judgmental people but pretending to be something we're not is never the answer. Hiding in fear, shame, or regret is never the answer.
Messy can be fixed.
Broken can be healed.
It's the hidden things that remain hopeless.
And remember...there is always beauty even in the midst of a mess.
Until then...
Jessie
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